HOW TO BE A NUN

HOW TO BE A NUN

DARK LORD

As the End Times Approach we’ve been inundated with requests to join our Order and our faith, so we thought it would be prudent to give prospective nuns a bit of a leg up as it were. Here you will find some helpful tips on how to be the best nun you can possibly be. There’s even an application form.

UNHOLY WATER

Stolen from an ancient recipe by nature itself, every single drop in this non recyclable bottle has been exultantly unblessed with the taint of The Dark Lord’s grace. Deftly sponged from the vitamin enriched puddles of Lower Tadfield and distilled inside an Old Bucket™ for at least an hour, each satisfying drop will quench your parched soul and reconnect your insides, and maybe even outsides, to the source of all evil.

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Nun Merch

ST.BERYLS STREET FAMOUS

2-MINUTE STEW

Comes in thermos and with paper napkin. Good for at least four more days. Tastes a little like goat but is definitely not goat and has absolutely no connection to any of the disappearances of goats around Tadfield or the surrounding districts. Not recommended for those with Capra aegagrus hircus allergies.

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CURSED ROCK

Use this rock to expel enemies from the mortal plane. Simply give this rock to someone who has wronged you but is still likely to accept a rock as a gift from you. Then sit back as the rock works it’s dark magic and whisks away your enemy over the course of an average human life cycle.

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ST BERYLS SWEAT PANTS

Look your best with these fetching sweatpants that say “ST BERYLS” on the rear! Does not come with sweat or any other liquids. Highly flammable and therefore perfect for what’s to come.

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Sing Like a Nun

Nun Book

Some of our followers alerted us to the existence of this book. It claims to be fiction but it reads like The Nice and Accurate Prophecies of Agnes Nutter. We can’t help but wonder if authors Neil Gaiman and Terry Pratchett are prophets of some kind. Understandably, it really freaked Sister Theresa out.

St. Beryl's Nun Application

1. Download and print the application pdf.

 

 

 

 

 

2. Complete it to the best of your ability.

 

3. Place in an envelope and address it to:

      Lord of Darkness

      1600 Pennsylvania Ave

      Washington, DC 20006

 

4. Set the envelope on fire. Make sure it burns completely.

D.I.Y. Nun Outfit

Endtimes Sweetslop

Let’s face it—the world is growing more chaotic and the end times are most certainly nigh. Indulge yourself with this delicious crockpot recipe for ENDTIMES SWEETSLOP. It may not be great for you, but the Dark Lord will soon liberate us from our pathetic flesh-systems anyway!

STEP 1. PUT THE FOLLOWING INGREDIENTS INTO A CROCKPOT:

 

1. MARSHMALLOWS (1 cup)

2. CANDY CANES (5)

3. SUGAR (1 cup)

4. GRAVY (1.25 cups)

5. BROWN SUGAR (1/3 cup)

6. CHERRY GARCIA ICE CREAM (4 scoops)

7. APPLE CIDER VINEGAR (2/3 cup)

 

Let stew for 3 hours.

STEP 2. ADD 1/2 CUP SUGAR

 

Let stew for 2 hours.

STEP 3. DRIZZLE WITH BROWN SUGAR to taste AND SERVE

 

(In keeping with the Dark Lord’s wishes. Please refrain from sharing a single mouthful).

Cook Like a Nun

© The Chattering Order of St. Beryl Church - Lower Tadfield, Oxfordshire, UK

Omnia Ab Uno.

 

 

Souls saved

Hearts won